


Kreacher Interferes - Vending Machine

by Phandancee74



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M, vending machine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:32:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160512
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phandancee74/pseuds/Phandancee74
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harry discovers his boyfriend Draco Malfoy has been transfigured into a vending machine by their oh so helpful house elf Kreacher.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Kreacher Interferes - Vending Machine

For some reason Harry Potter was entirely sure that the vending machine in front of him was Draco Malfoy. Furthermore he believed that his boyfriend, and now vehicle for delicious and necessary sustenance, was upset with him. Harry based this idea on the way Vending Draco was repeatedly refusing to accept his sickles. 

Harry sighed and looked around. It would likely be for the best if he got this sorted out quickly, if not he would never get a chocolate frog before his break ended. There were a few people at the surrounding tables in the cafeteria, and none of them were being particularly noisy which meant they’d all probably hear him working things out with his mechanical lover if he wasn’t careful. Harry didn’t need any more people looking at him as he walked through the halls of St. Mungo’s. The staff had mostly accepted he was famous and moved on, the last thing he needed was to start talking to vending machines. 

  “Draco?” Harry said in a slightly quiet voice, thinking it would just draw more attention if he started whispering “Is that you?” he asked putting another coin in.  This time Machine Malfoy seemed to consider the coin for a moment before it spat it out. Harry took this as a yes.

  “Can you understand me? And can you do anything other than spit out my money to talk?”  His boyfriend responded to the question rudely, emitting loud squawking sounds and flashing “INSUFFICIENT FUNDS”.  

Harry shushed him and then continued “I gather you upset Kreacher again?” he asked amused.

Kreacher made a habit of interfering in Harry and Draco’s romantic life, especially if he thought they weren’t taking care of each other. More often than not it led to one or the other being transfigured into an everyday object.

Then a thought struck him. “I’m not so sure I should help you out immediately. You left me as a blanket for three days last time.” Harry accused.  

The vending machine suddenly seemed to have two sickles already in it now. “Bribery?” Harry laughed “Give me my snack and I’ll consider helping you out.”

Draco considered for a moment, “PROCESSING” crossing his screen.

“Oh don’t be silly you git.” Harry chuckled “You’re hardly worth more to me as a snack machine than a person. Please give me my chocolate frog and I’ll . . .” Harry did a quick tempus charm “ . . . I’ll come help you when my shift ends.”  

His, admittedly handsome, machine boyfriend processed again then started to drop a bag of baked crisps.   

“No. I wanted a chocolate frog.” Harry said whining just a bit, then blushing when he remembered he might gain an audience if he wasn’t careful.

  Draco pulled the row of chocolate frogs further from Harry and moved to drop the slightly healthier snack.

  Harry quickly stooped to bargaining. “If you give me a frog now I’ll rescue you after I finish my next round. If you make me eat those nasty crisps I’ll offer to work late in the Janus Thickey Ward.” 

Sensing Harry meant his threat, his snack containing paramour released a frog.  

“I know. I know.” Harry said as he bit into his treat, though the machine had said nothing. “This means no dessert later. Honestly you’d think you were the healer.”  

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After his afternoon rounds Harry re-entered the Cafeteria to find several of his colleagues surrounding the machine. He overheard one woman saying that the machine was choosing snacks for people and had even refused to give any food at all to some people, but still accepting their money. Someone responded by asking if they should get Arthur Weasley down here because it was originally a muggle artifact wasn’t it? Harry paused for a moment thinking of having to explain to his father figure that the vending machine wasn’t cursed, it was his boyfriend.  

Knowing the crowd was unlikely to break up on its own any time soon Harry headed out of the hospital to take drastic measures. He returned 5 minutes later with a large tray full of cake. The cake said “Congratulations Brunhilda” as Harry had had to grab the first one he could find, but it did the trick. Everyone flocked towards the cake, which Harry placed as far from view of Draco as he could. Harry almost grabbed a piece himself, then remembered his lover now sitting alone in the corner, and that he wasn’t done with his shift. 

  “So.” Harry started “ What have you done to me this time?”  Draco rattled a bit and Harry understood the question would be hard to answer in this fashion.

“Something to do with food surely. Did you eat all my licorice snaps?” Harry hoped not, they were his favorites. Seeing little response from Drac-Bot he guessed again. 

“Were you supposed to go shopping but you forgot and now I’m going to starve?”  A squawk told Harry that Draco considered the suggestion that he would forget to shop a very serious breach of decorum.  

“You didn’t kick Kreacher out of the kitchen did you?” Harry asked suddenly, very afraid. Draco had made the comment once that Kreacher was getting too old to prepare all their meals. For the next month Draco’s tea always had too much milk. That battle had been a very difficult time for Harry. If Draco had made such a mistake again Harry might leave him here until Kreacher cooled down a bit. It would be best for all involved. 

  Draco squawked once more and Harry smiled relieved.

“I don’t think I’ll figure this out on my own” Harry apologized trying to stare into Draco’s eyes to show how poorly he felt about this, his head moved about a bit as he wondered where Draco’s eyes were. 

  Draco rattled harder than before, clearly annoyed. Harry reached out and patted the top of the machine soothingly. Suddenly something cold and wet hit Harry’s sock.  Confused Harry looked down and saw the vending machine was dripping.

Was Draco pissing? When Harry had been trapped as a blanket he hadn’t had any bodily functions to speak of.  Draco interrupted this train of thought by dropping all kinds of snacks at once.

Harry wasn’t sure what to make of this but he wouldn’t turn down free food, especially since he had forgotten a lunch today. 

Reaching down Harry’s Hand hit something hard. One of their bowls from home. Pulling it out Harry saw it was half full of chicken soup, the other half being now mostly on his foot.  

“Is this for me?” Harry questioned his computerized lover, just to make sure.  

Draco added sickles again.  

“Did Kreacher send it?”

  The machine showed he was almost close to a galleon now. 

  “And you wouldn’t or didn’t give it to me?” Harry asked cautiously.  Draco dropped a chocolate frog, so grateful Harry was solving this that his previous health concerns were forgotten.

  “But why did Kreacher want to send me lunch?” Harry wondered out loud.  

Draco brought forward some cough potion.  

“Because I’ve been feeling sick?” Harry pondered. “But that’s my own fault. I got you sick first by leaving the window open. You just passed along the cold.”

  Draco clearly agreed, the number of snacks he dropped drew some people’s attention away from the cake.   

“But Kreacher thought you should overlook that and bring me some soup anyway?”  

Draco dropped the last of the snacks in relief. Harry had figured it out.  

“Are you sorry?” Harry asked. According to Kreacher it was important that they felt sorry after they talked about the problem.  

Draco added more money to Harry’s total.

  “Why?” Harry asked curiously.

  Draco brought forward one more cough potion that he must have been hiding at the back, unless he could produce items of his own accord Harry considered getting distracted.

  Harry brought his mind back to his transfigured sweetheart. “Because I did get sick?” It was reasonable. Draco might have been upset that Harry got him sick but he still must have felt bad that Harry was ill now.

  It was now his turn to accept the apology before Draco would return to normal. This was the point Draco had left Harry at last time. Almost long enough for him to miss work. It didn’t matter that Draco had mentally forgiven him the moment he rubbed his face against warm fleece-y Harry, he had to say it out loud.

“I’ll forgive you in just a moment” Harry teased “I want to push your buttons some more first.”  

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  A few minutes later Harry and Draco sat at a table in the Cafeteria with nearly a hundred bags of crisps and sweets between them. 

  “I made a far better blanket than you make a vending machine.” Harry said proudly.

  “I was an excellent vending machine.” Draco sniffed.

  “You refused to serve people,” Harry argued “and you chose their food for them.”

“I only refused to feed the rude people,” Draco returned “It should be a crime to buy something a knut at a time, or to choose after you’ve put the money in. From now on you are only to buy snacks with exact change. And never try to expelliarmus a machine” He shivered for a moment clearly remembering an earlier part of his day.

Harry promised, trying to appear solemn. “As long as you never blow your nose in your blanket again.”

**Author's Note:**

> I may or may not have been very hungry when I came up with the idea for this fic. I did choose the baked crisps.


End file.
